


Booze and Nuts

by darknnerdy, sushiloveswhitlock



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Comedy, Crack Fic, Drinking, Food Fight, Multi, Snark, grocery store humor, jail humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-27
Updated: 2012-11-27
Packaged: 2017-11-19 16:53:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/575499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darknnerdy/pseuds/darknnerdy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sushiloveswhitlock/pseuds/sushiloveswhitlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been years since Bella's ill-fated birthday party and the Cullens left. Bella's now attending college away from Forks. What happens when she goes on a booze run at the local supermarket?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Booze and Nuts

This is nothing but a fun O/S collab with my wifey beta Sushi Loves Whitlock. No drinking while reading this and just enjoy. We can all use a bit of funny sometimes. You can also check this out on her profile page as well!

SM owns it.

Bella's POV

As Bella drove out to the nearest grocery store, she kept thinking and muttering to herself how it was just fucking great that she volunteered to do the booze run for the weekly party. She didn't want to, but everybody else was still drunk from the volleyball tournament earlier that afternoon. She hated being the fucking "go-to" gal just because everybody saw her as the responsible one. She snorted and continued muttering to herself about how she didn't think responsibility could fit into those fucking booty shorts, that she just had to decide to throw on and was now going to the fucking grocery store wearing them. In between her muttering out, "fuck my life," she also thought about how if she were working at Hooters, she'd be a fucking health code violation right about now.

Alice Cullen would be proud.

She was glad that she had thought to wax beforehand because if she hadn't, bending over to grab those cheap bottles of booze, which was is a college boy's attempt at liquoring sorority girls up, the whole world would have gotten a good look at her hairy kitty.

She parked her truck and looked around the center console for her canister of pepper spray in case she had another run-in with that red-headed bag boy. That horny-assed kid was worse than that stupid jerk, Mike Newton back in high school. She took the bottle and stuck it into her back pocket before she hopped down ungraciously from Big Red wishing she had bought those damn nerf bars when she first got him.

She stopped and looked around as she swore she heard someone chuckling at her near death fall out of her truck, and shot the parking lot the bird for good measure.

Brushing herself off, she walked towards the store entrance. She continued admonishing herself saying how she was looking like a smelly pirate hooker with the shorts and the boots. She grabbed a cart and started making her way to her personal mecca; the liquor section.

"Come on Beer Gods, speak to Bella." She laughed out as she waited for some telltale sign from above.

When nothing happened she mumbled out a quick "Well, fuck you too then" before shoving the cart onward.

She looked carelessly up and down the aisles not really paying attention as she felt eyes on her at every turn she made. It didn't take long before some perv found her and as she turned around, she caught him staring at her ass. Before she could react however, she saw a piece of fruit smacking him right in the face.

Right there, Bella nearly gave a victory fist pump and muttered out a "hell yes!"

Save the happy dance for when we find the booze Bella.

When the perv grabbed a box of Depends, ripped it open and stuck it to his face, Bella doubled over laughing and she swore she heard something growl. There was blood running down his shirt and a very girlie cry coming from him as he ran off with Bella nearly falling down as a watermelon smacked the side of his head just as he reached the end of their aisle.

"That'll teach you to stare at my ass!" Bella said as she continued laughing all the while getting that feeling once again; that eyes were on her.

When she reached the cup aisle, Bella saw one roll of toilet paper after another on the ground and could hear someone screaming, "Fire in the hole!" as another roll landed in front of her. She picked it up, looked it over before tossing it back hard. She shrugged and continued on her little adventure. Still feeling like there were a set of eyes on her, she looked around but didn't see anything other than a blond man walking quickly back towards the next aisle over.

"Wow, nice ass, dude!" Bella muttered. "I'd love to give that a smack or two."

Focus Bella.

"Why the hell haven't I been here on a Friday night, before?" she asked herself as she went around the bombs on the floor and grabbed the red cups. She thought to herself that this was better than watching the stock crew pretend they were playing shuffleboard with frozen turkeys.

Bella kept her head down as she pushed her buggy along, passing the screaming kids in the cereal aisle and the lady in the health food section having what sounded like a break up conversation over the phone. She tried really hard not to snicker as she overheard her conversation. Bella had to pause though when she realized that the health food lady was breaking up with her man for a woman; her soulmate, Sunny.

"Look Reg, I like vagina now, ok? V-A-G-I-N-A! Her name is Sunny," Health Food aisle lady said over the phone.

"Oh, this has to be good", Bella muttered to herself while trying not to make it too obvious that she was listening in.

"NO! Not the vagina, who names their vagina? Well, she did name mine, but that's not the point! The woman … her name is Sunny!" Sunny's girlfriend growled out.

Bella purposely slowed down her cart and pretended to study the ingredients on the box of hemp milk, all the while listening to this sordid phone call and trying hard not to laugh.

"No, you can not video tape us Reg!"

"I know I took your virginity Reg, but that does not mean we're married."

"Vagina, Reg say it with me!"

She went on and on, not a care in the world and many shoppers stopped and were now staring and hiding their giggles as much as Bella was. She kept concentrating hard on that container of hemp milk though.

"I'm telling you, we're through. It's not you, Reg, and yes, you were good. Five inches IS good, I just need more like, her fingers … ohhh her fingers are like magic." Sunny's new girlfriend explained over the phone.

At that revelation, Bella muttered, "Shit!"

She dropped the container of hemp milk to the ground causing it to spill open when Sunny's girlfriend said that and then quickly steered her cart over to the next aisle before doubling over and laughing so hard that she felt like she nearly peed herself.

Just thinking about the possible PA announcement had Bella in hysterics again. She snorted at the thought of a PA announcement asking for a cleanup and a copy of the video from aisle 17. After she caught her breath, she pushed her cart straight ahead to her destination.

"Finally, fucking alcohol aisle heaven", Bella muttered again.

She turned the into the first booze aisle quickly and started looking for the much needed ingredients for that cheap ass party punch those stupid frat guys always made. It was a bit of a relief too because she had some funny feeling, after leaving the health food aisle, that that she was being followed. She figured it was that stupid red headed bag boy as she started grabbing the bottom shelf bottles, once again glad that she had gotten her kitty waxed. While getting the cheap booze, she thought about possibly buying another bottle of Jack to fill up her flask for the party later, or better yet, two bottles.

"Shit!" Bella nearly yelled out as she tried to catch a falling earring and instead, ended up swatting it onto the floor and under a shelf.

Fuck!

She bent down to try to find the damn thing; not exactly knowing why, since they were bought at one of those stupid ass jewelry parties that she was forced to go to by a sorority sister. After a few minutes, she realized it was not worth the effort and all Bella was doing was just making one helluva soft core porn security tape. She turned around and faced the camera before giving them the finger.

"You like that boys?" She asked no one in particular while shaking her tits at the camera.

She gave the camera one more saucy wink before turning around and slapping her ass at it and headed over to her favorite aisle; whiskeys and tequila. It was funny, she almost felt herself relax as she looked at all the pretty bottles lined up for her as if begging for her to take them home.

My babies! Oh Mama misses you! Bella thought as her fingers traced the bottles.

If she didn't have to drive or think people would look at her ass like she was crazy, she would pop the top off one of those bottles right fucking here, plop down on the floor and guzzle that shit till the bottle was dry.

Let's just add Charlie to that list of proud people, shall we?

That was when she saw them; the two men in front of her. She hadn't been paying attention and now she couldn't believe it. Vampire, and the crimson eyed kind too. And not just any vampire but Jasper fucking Hale. Bella knew she should have been frightened, given what happened in the past but she wasn't; not really. If anything, she felt herself staring at that fine specimen of a man if front of her as though he was her last meal. She might have even drooled a little.

"Oh sweet baby Jesus," Bella thought; not realizing she was actually muttering it loud enough for the two vampires to hear her. "Fuck me sideways with a fucking pogo stick." He was Jasper but so different. So much more relaxed and at ease with himself. And so fucking hot.

Bella kept staring at Jasper; gone were the khaki pants and tucked in sweaters she was so used to that family wearing. Bella slowly moved her eyes up; from his worn cowboy boots to his low slung and snug jeans. She appreciated the way the t-shirt clung to his body as her eyes continued their journey upwards; the knowing smirk on his face and his laughing crimson eyes. Knowing smirk. Empath.

"Fuck!" She thought to herself, once again not realizing she was muttering out loud.

Bella quickly looked down as she felt her cheeks burning and hoped a big fucking hole would open up right now and just swallow her, right here.

"Dressing up as a cowboy now, Hale?" Bella asked the blond vampire in front of her as she smirked at him. "I must say, the look fits you better than pleated pants and rugby shirts."

She knew it was dangerous to taunt him, especially since he tried to bite her the last time they saw each other but she couldn't help it. Her verbal filter had disappeared and with that, her sense of self-preservation. But unlike the quiet and meek Bella from back then, this new and improved version was full of piss and vinegar. As she continued to stare at Jasper, it finally dawned on her that he wasn't alone.

"So Jazzy," Bella continued mocking him. "You guys heading to the rodeo or something? Who's your friend?"

She really couldn't shut up at this point even if she tried. All those years of anger and resentment over them, had spilled over to this; here, in the fucking liquor aisle at the local supermarket.

"I like her Jasper. I call dibs" The cowboy sidekick said as he licked his lips and Bella cocked her head to the side thinking she did not buy enough booze for this.

"Peter, no" Jasper chuckled placing his hand on the man's chest. "Bella is friend, not food." Jasper told his friend slowly as if he had a learning disability causing Bella to laugh.

"Jasper," Bella started but couldn't stop the giggle that erupted from her as she realized what was actually in front of her. "It's cute. I mean, he's cute. I guess I'm not shocked. You were married to woman who look-a-like-a-man for years. Oh god! Damn it! Fuck! I should be congratulating you not picturing you bending him over. What the fuck is wrong with me?" Bella rambled on as she started pulling liquor bottle after liquor bottle into her cart.

She couldn't get the damn picture out of her head. There he was, Jasper with his hand wrapped in his sidekick's hair as he bent him over the Bologna display.

Well he does like meat.

Bella snapped her head up when she realized she was caressing the long neck bottle of her booze a little too long after that fantasy. Her eyes landed on the two men who were eyeing the bottleneck, then Bella's face, and back again. She could see the shock on their faces.

"Fuck. That did nothing for you did it? I'm such a fucking perv." Bella mumbled and shook her head before her eyes landed first on Jasper's crotch then his sidekick's.

"Jesus Bella, there is no way in hell I would ever be with Peter." Jasper said, quickly causing her eyes to snap up.

"What the hell Jasper? What, am I not good enough for you? Do I not excite you? Am I just another piece of meat you've used?" the man, Peter, said to Jasper looking hurt and thoroughly offended.

"Oh god, this is the health food vagina all over again." Bella said shaking her head as she cracked a bottle open and took a swig while she continued watching the show. Jasper just stared at sidekick Peter, while Peter continued his ramblings of love lost and man hands.

"She did this," Peter exclaimed in a very Alice like tone as he pointed with what looked like jazz hands at Bella.

"Sure I did Mary," Bella laughed out and Jasper stood between the two just as Peter took a step forward.

"What, are you gonna pull my hair?" Bella asked as she took another hard pull of her booze.

"Bella, I really don't think you should be drinking in here." Jasper said as they both turned towards her.

By now, Bella felt the booze swishing around in her body and was imaging the boys wrestling in Jell-O. In her fantasy, she was even holding the score card as she cheered them on along with that pervy nose bleeder, aka Depends boy.

"Well, I don't think either of you should be wearing your shirts but that ain't happening." Bella hiccuped out and wiped the booze off her chin.

Just then, perv boy rounded the corner and Peter pulled a melon from under his shirt and pelted the boy once again.

"Damn it Peter, stop smacking people with your melons." Jasper said trying to keep a straight face causing Bella to fall over on the floor, booze tightly held to her chest and hooha in the air.

"Cover her up!" Peter said sounding unsure of his words as he looked from the Depends boy to Bella's lady bits.

"What, are you afraid of the vagina too?" Bella slurred out as Jasper picked her up shaking his head just as a large, rather hairy security guard came into sight.

"BIG FOOT!" Bella screamed and Jasper dropped her in the cart.

"Ow! You hurt my ass, Jasper!" Bella said and then looked over at Peter. "That's what he says, right?" She giggled hard then slyly looked around before grabbing another bottle of booze from the shelf as Jasper looked away laughing.

"Don't encourage her, please?" Peter pleaded to Jasper just as Big Foot neared them.

"Excuse me gentlemen, lady. The police have been called and I'll need you to follow me to the front please," Big Foot said and Bella just stared at him. She had a conundrum on her hands but made a split second decision.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" She gave her best warrior scream and tossed the cheap booze hitting Big Foot directly on his barrel chest. "Bulls eye!" She laughed just as both Peter and Jasper shrugged, grabbed a bag of nuts off the shelf and took off with the buggy and Bella.

"Use these and take no prisoners!" Peter said as tossed Bella the nuts and produced two more melons from his shirt.

Bella squinted her eyes as though she was trying to focus at Peter. How the fuck did he get all those melons in this shirt?

"Don't. Just don't." Peter said shaking his head.

Bella tore open the bag just as the buggy slid around the corner and half of the contents landed down her shirt. Both the vampire's eyes darted to her cleavage and Bella gave her tits a good shake before Jasper straightened the cart again and ran through the cold cuts section.

"If Peter needs to rub on some meat, we can stop at the deli." Bella laughed as she eyed Peter over her bottle.

"You're gonna let me eat her right, Jasper?" Peter asked as he continued glaring at Bella.

"Shut up and throw the melon Peter! He's right behind us." Jasper tried demanding as he grabbed the side of the cart to turn sharply. This time, he made sure neither Bella nor her tits spilled out.

"And what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and look pretty fondling these nuts?" Bella couldn't even keep a straight face as she tossed a handful at Peter's head.

"Stop smacking me with your nuts, Bella." Peter growled as he tossed another melon at Big Foot who dodged it with ease.

"You like it!" Bella accused as she took another swig and Jasper ran them in circles around the fruit section picking up more ammo.

Bella caught two melons and held them up to her chest jiggling them as she looked at Jasper.

"What do you think? Bigger?" She asked Jasper seriously as they landed on her lap, his eyes stayed on her tits and he was so distracted that he almost ran them into the apples.

They heard the police sirens in the background as Peter tossed fruit after fruit at angry, hairy Big Foot.

"This fucker won't stop!" Peter complained as he tried to hit him with a box of Krispy Kremes.

"Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do, what ya gonna do when they come for you!" Bella sang; using her bottle as a microphone and laughed as Jasper shook his head at her.

"Oh my fucking god, do you think they'll get us on video? I have always wanted to be on Cops." Bella asked excitedly before taking another swig.

Jasper looked back at Peter who was amazed Big Foot had caught the box of Krispy Kremes and was now eating them as he continued giving chase.

Bella continued to sing their theme song as the two vampires ran her around the store dipping and dodging humans. They weren't going at full vampire speed but they were still moving fast. All that was visible was her middle finger that seemed to appear out of thin air. Shoppers looked strangely towards the blur as Bella continued clutching that bottle tightly with her other arm.

"Come out with your hands up. We've got you surrounded!" The three heard over the loud speaker.

"Do either of you have one of those 'Be my Bitch' prison fantasies? Because if you do, today is the day you get to live that out." Bella announced with a nod as they whirled past a mother and her unsuspecting children. She whisper shouted, or at least she thought she did when she said to them, "Whatever you do, don't drop the soap." The nearby crowd turned to look at the three having heard her comment loud and clear.

"Damn it Bella, we're not gay!" Both Jasper and Peter growled at Bella as she pelted the last of her nuts in their faces ignoring them both.

"Geezer on the right Jasper! Hit her NOW!" Bella exclaimed as she started throwing grapes at the old lady just as Jasper clipped the cane out from under her. She went down taking a stock boy and a display of Peanut M&M's and Bella could have sworn she heard Peter give a small cry of pain as the candies hit the floor causing her to giggle uncontrollably.

Just as Jasper turned the cart towards the entrance to make a getaway, Big Foot made an appearance right in front of the cart causing Jasper to stop suddenly. The entire thing happened in a matter of seconds and the scene caused Bella to choke on her booze and fall out of the cart.

There, just beside Big Foot, Peter had ran into Jasper as he brought the cart to a stop and both of them fell landing with Jasper on his knees and Peter leaning just over his ass. They could both hear Bella laughing and snorting as they righted themselves and they not even bother to explain yet again, to the drunk Bella, that they were not gay. When the laughing stopped though, both their heads snapped up and saw Bella with a small canister in her hands screaming at Big Foot.

"You will not make me a bitch in prison!" She screamed as she jumped on Big Foot's back trying to make him eat the pepper spray can and trying to choke him out with a sleeper hold.

Jasper and Peter watching in amazement as Bella climbed the beast of a man. Her ass hanging almost completely out of her shorts as it wiggled in their faces had them dazzled. It took three police officers and a taser to get her off of Big Foot's back. She was still twitching and screaming when they got her to the ground and Jasper pulled out his phone capturing it all on video for later.

"Check her tits for nuts!" Peter hollered at the cops while watching Bella continue to flop on the ground. Jasper glared at his brother, smacked him and sent as much lust as he could muster up at him towards Big Foot.

Peter had just taken a step forward, licked his lips and growled in pleasure at the hairy man but was tackled to the ground beside Bella and cuffed before he could make his move.

Jasper was still laughing at his partners in crime as he felt the cold metal slap against his wrist and turned seeing another officer shoving him forward. He glared at the two on the floor who were both laughing at each other and trying their best to get in random kicks.

"I blame you two." Jasper said, ducking his head as he was being placed into the back of a police car.

When they reached the station, Bella had hoped that she could persuade the officers to do a full cavity search on Peter, who seemed to be lusting after what he called "their guns" but all Bella heard was "strong metal shafts" and continued to beg them.

"I hate you Bella." Peter grumbled as they led him into a room on his own.

Bella sat beside Jasper in the hell hole of a town's one holding cell as she reached into her shirt and pulled out a small flask. She took a huge swig as Jasper eyed her tits once again.

"You miss Peter's moobs huh?" Bella asked catching Jasper's stare. " You can touch'm you know. I wouldn't say anything." She slurred and hiccuped out.

Peter or Moobs as Bella now called him smacked the bars just as Jasper's hand reached out and Bella glared at Moobs.

"You feeling looser, Moobs?" Bella snickered out as the officers walked Moobs into the cell.

"I hate you," He said sitting beside her.

"Is it because I don't have penis?" Bella asked him with puppy eyes.

"Don't say penis, Bella," Peter said warily while inching away from drunk Bella.

"Cock."

"Not funny Bella." Peter said shutting his eyes and banging his head against the cement wall as Jasper sat back and enjoyed the show.

"I'm being insensitive aren't I? Do you have a name for Jasper's bone? Maybe the Bologna Pony? Jasper?" Bella asked turning to the quiet vampire in the corner whose eyes were still staring at her tits.

"Yeah, yeah sure." Jasper responded not even bothering to look up now.

"You asshole!" Peter cursed Jasper.

Bella fell onto the floor laughing then. She couldn't take it anymore. When she was done laughing, she crawled over between the two vampires who were waiting for bail to be made and curled up. She drifted off to sleep dreaming of Jasper and Peter tag teaming Big Foot in the salad section of the grocery store.

Well did you laugh? Leave us some love would you? Do you have a funny grocery store moment? We'd love to hear what you thought of this so hit that pretty review button and we won't hit you with our nuts!


End file.
